Kiwi Travels

For our last rugby match, the All Blacks versus Argentina, Bam and I had to go all out on the face paint. I chose to paint the New Zealand flag on one half of my face and the white fern on the other half. I made the conservative decision of sticking to the face paint colours that we had already purchased when supporting USA against Ireland: red, white, and blue. Bam, being the ever so progressive trend-setter, made the bold and courageous decision of painting one fern on her whole face. And to do so, she needed two colours: black and white. White face paint was already in our possession. But little did we know, black face paint was incredibly difficult to come by in central Auckland, capital city and commerce centre of New Zealand. But Bam the Bold was unafraid. She went into every dollar store on Queen Street and trolled every alleyway store in pursuit of the elusive substance. Not wanting to miss the All Blacks’ haka, Amber the Avant-Garde finally settled for a $3 pot of shoe polish.

I watched her rub the toxic gunk on her face and feared two things: 1) Her skin would burn off and I would have to rush her to the ER and miss the game, or 2) The gasoline/shoe combo stench emitting from her face would cause us both to pass out in the poorly ventilated hostel bathroom and we would miss the game. However, confident in the unpublished yet surely beneficial qualities of shoe polish, I was also hopeful of two things: 1) The polish would seep into her skin and stain it, granting Bam her lifelong dream of a perennial tan, or 2) The toxic fumes would addle her already loopy brain that decided to rub shoe polish on her face and she would achieve the most wonderful substance high ever.

Before you judge me for allowing her to make such a questionable life decision, you should also be aware of three facts I know about Bam: 1) She must drink a copious amount of alcohol (and then some) to become intoxicated, 2) It takes six Advil to quench her headaches, and 3) She does not get seasick, ever. These are key attributes that show that if anybody can withstand shoe polish on face, Bam can. Luckily (Unluckily), the next day there was no fern-shaped rash spanning her face as we had feared (hoped).